“Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.”—Zeus, to Hera (via historysaidwhat)
From my experiences at Taiwanese theme restaurants I only have these words of advice: Don’t do it.
To elaborate: In America, I don’t think I would consider a theme restaurant. I once went to Disneyland as a child and had waffles in the shape of Mickey Mouse. Those were awesome. Our server was Belle, from Beauty and the Beast. I loved her. I was was five.
Since then I can’t remember wanting to go to a theme restaurant, until I came to Taiwan and heard of Modern Toilet.
What could be more fun than eating chocolate ice-cream that looks like poo from a little toilet dish?
The truth is, it’s not fun. The truth is this.
When I ordered my “ice cream” I thought it would be small, a single scoop or something. What came out was A MONSTER PILE of chocolate flavored shaved ice topped with fudge, marshmallows, ice cream, and many more things that I cannot recall.
When I gasped and told the waitress this wasn’t what I wanted (menu was in English, yes, but without descriptions and no pictures) the waitress replied “Too bad.” and walked away. She ain’t no Belle, that’s for sure.
Also, other people in the restaurant were just eating soberly from their toilets. There is nothing more depressing than seeing people take food seriously when they are sitting on toilet seats, eating out of toilet bowls.
Today I finally tried what I have been thinking of trying for months.
Maybe you’ve heard of reflexology? The long short of it is, there are points on your feet that correlate to different organs or channels of energy in your body, and if you press those points, it helps release toxins.
I’ve heard it hurts like hell, so I was afraid. Also, I’m self conscious about my feet. Or having anyone up-close-and-personal-up-in-ma-grill aka feet.
But it was ok, I was freshly showered, feet were clean, and I had my good friend with me.
My masseuse was an old guy, with high-rise black slacks and a polo shirt tucked into his pants, 很台, and very brusque. There was nothing vaguely sexual about the massage, not like massage in American spas, especially because you remain fully clothed and also it hurts.
Not a blazing pain, but more like the pain you get from stretching before exercise. It hurts, but you know it’s good for you, but you don’t really like how it feels, except you do, because it’s good for you, do you know what I mean?
People definitely exaggerated the level of pain though. I mean, people make it sound like the reflexology masseuse will flay you alive and beat your skinless feet with a club.
Overall, it was relaxing. My feet have been sore for a while, as I walk a lot. But I wish I was a proper hedonist, because during my massage, I kept thinking about the masseuse, and if his hands were sore, or if it was an awful job, and I was uncomfortable because of that and it would be hard for me to go back now that I know how terrible I am at just enjoying something if it is at the expense of someone else.
Today I was with a friend at a Levi’s store. We asked the nice woman what was the largest size available for women (this is often the only tactic, directly ask, WILL YOUR CLOTHES FIT MY ENORMOUS CORPUS?)
The answer: 29.
My lucky number.
Usually. Not in this case. I will not post here my waist size for all to see, I will simply say that it is not 29, it is above 29, I will not say by how much, but this is the truth.
Then as my friend was trying on her clothes, I asked the salesgirl, what is the largest size for men?
The answer: 36.
I am less than 36.
Shoes? Don’t even try to buy a women’s size larger than the US 8. I’m a US 10.5, Euro 41.5. I can’t buy women’s shoes in Taiwan.
But I can buy men’s shoes. Those go into the 40’s.
This jacket I’m wearing in this photo? It’s intended for a man.
Taiwan is forcing me to become a cross-dresser.Not a shrimper though. The shrimp has nothing to do with this.
I am not exactly sure what KTV stands for. I think it is Kareoke+Television. It could also stand for AWESOME.
Kareoke in America, and I think many other countries, means a smoky bar and a lot of humiliation occasionally punctuated by a talented person who can sing very well.
Kareoke in Taiwan, and I believe Japan as well as Korea, means renting a private room for 2 hours, and the fee generally includes food and drink. These private rooms are nice, I mean, unless you chose a shitty place, and did I mention private?
I think that to truly call yourself Taiwanese you need to ride a scooter. Taiwanese call them motorcycles, literally “mo-tow-che” but we in the states would say scooter, and I believe in England they’d say moped, and perhaps vespa in other parts of Europe…but I digress. The point is, today I rode one.
Do you know what I love most about this picture? Aside from the fact that Tracy and Olivia look like drag queens? The random woman in the back who, apparently, actually works while these two just try to tear each other’s extensions out.
"I thought I would wear red lipstick before I ever saw Gayle at the club. And let me tell you, I would never wear red lipstick because it washes out my tan." -Olivia
At the behest of my dearest bosom friend I have created a BLOG.
So, just to deliver an introduction here I have answered some frequent-yet-not-asked-yet-questions.
WHO ARE YOU?
I am a recent college graduate from a small public liberal arts school. I majored in English and Asian Studies. Before graduating I looked toward the horizon and saw a very dark and looming economy. I turned my head and looked to the other horizon and saw dark and looming graduate school applications. I faced forward and decided I would avoid both options for the time being by running away to Taiwan.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN TAIWAN?
I live with my grandmother. I am studying Chinese, and later on I expect to teach English.
WHAT WILL THE CONTENT OF YOUR blog BE?
Very good question. I believe it will mostly contain pictures and stories about the WEIRDNESS of being a stranger in a strange land.