Expatter

"Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you..."

Mon, 11 Jul 2011 12:53:56 +0800

“Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.”

- Zeus, to Hera (via historysaidwhat)

Torture Toilet

Thu, 26 May 2011 16:11:00 +0800

From my experiences at Taiwanese theme restaurants I only have these words of advice: Don’t do it.

To elaborate: In America, I don’t think I would consider a theme restaurant. I once went to Disneyland as a child and had waffles in the shape of Mickey Mouse. Those were awesome. Our server was Belle, from Beauty and the Beast. I loved her. I was was five.

Since then I can’t remember wanting to go to a theme restaurant, until I came to Taiwan and heard of Modern Toilet.

What could be more fun than eating chocolate ice-cream that looks like poo from a little toilet dish?

The truth is, it’s not fun.
The truth is this.

When I ordered my “ice cream” I thought it would be small, a single scoop or something. What came out was A MONSTER PILE of chocolate flavored shaved ice topped with fudge, marshmallows, ice cream, and many more things that I cannot recall.

When I gasped and told the waitress this wasn’t what I wanted (menu was in English, yes, but without descriptions and no pictures) the waitress replied “Too bad.” and walked away. She ain’t no Belle, that’s for sure.

Also, other people in the restaurant were just eating soberly from their toilets.
There is nothing more depressing than seeing people take food seriously when they are sitting on toilet seats, eating out of toilet bowls.

Photo

Thu, 26 May 2011 15:32:12 +0800

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?"

Wed, 25 May 2011 17:31:21 +0800

“Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?”

- Joan of Arc (via historysaidwhat)

Foot massage

Sat, 21 May 2011 22:33:00 +0800

Today I finally tried what I have been thinking of trying for months.

Maybe you’ve heard of reflexology? The long short of it is, there are points on your feet that correlate to different organs or channels of energy in your body, and if you press those points, it helps release toxins.

I’ve heard it hurts like hell, so I was afraid. Also, I’m self conscious about my feet. Or having anyone up-close-and-personal-up-in-ma-grill aka feet.

But it was ok, I was freshly showered, feet were clean, and I had my good friend with me.

My masseuse was an old guy, with high-rise black slacks and a polo shirt tucked into his pants, 很台, and very brusque. There was nothing vaguely sexual about the massage, not like massage in American spas, especially because you remain fully clothed and also it hurts.

Not a blazing pain, but more like the pain you get from stretching before exercise. It hurts, but you know it’s good for you, but you don’t really like how it feels, except you do, because it’s good for you, do you know what I mean?

People definitely exaggerated the level of pain though. I mean, people make it sound like the reflexology masseuse will flay you alive and beat your skinless feet with a club.

Overall, it was relaxing. My feet have been sore for a while, as I walk a lot. But I wish I was a proper hedonist, because during my massage, I kept thinking about the masseuse, and if his hands were sore, or if it was an awful job, and I was uncomfortable because of that and it would be hard for me to go back now that I know how terrible I am at just enjoying something if it is at the expense of someone else.

betterbooktitles: Charlotte Brontë: Jane Eyre

Sun, 10 Apr 2011 16:35:44 +0800

betterbooktitles:

Charlotte Brontë: Jane Eyre

"The difficulty of literature is not to write, but to write what you mean."

Sun, 10 Apr 2011 16:30:55 +0800

“The difficulty of literature is not to write, but to write what you mean.”

- Robert Louis Stevenson (via gabydunn)

Chinese and English Poetry

Thu, 07 Apr 2011 16:36:27 +0800

Etemology of Love

愛

the hand

bears the covered heart

and lays it at your feet

I love you

and my most precious organ

is yours

The influence of Chinese on Modernist poetry is a topic of literary research, not a topic I have great knowledge of, but the more I learn about Chinese characters, the more obvious the influence of Mandarin over Modern and contemporary English poetry becomes.

It’s been said before, and I’ll say it again, but Chinese is damn poetic. The written language is so much more abstract than English, or any other language I know of. Correct me if I’m wrong. I’m always amazed by how compact and condense Chinese characters are.

The emphasis on imagery, the encouragement to eschew unnecessary words, pronouns, conjunctions, to show not tell, these rules of poetry that were driven into me starting in middle school, drew parallels to the characteristics of Mandarin I noticed when I first began to study it.

I'm shaking

Thu, 31 Mar 2011 13:38:00 +0800

Is it a bad sign that abstaining from coffee for one day causes you a terrible case of the jitters after reintroducing caffeine to your body?

Am I GOING TO DIE?

WHAT the HELL does 7-11 put in their coffee?

I feel like a phone on vibrate and somebody won’t stop calling me.

Enormous Corpus

Sun, 27 Mar 2011 21:15:00 +0800

Taiwan is pushing me into cross dressing.

Today I was with a friend at a Levi’s store. We asked the nice woman what was the largest size available for women (this is often the only tactic, directly ask, WILL YOUR CLOTHES FIT MY ENORMOUS CORPUS?)

The answer: 29.

My lucky number.

Usually. Not in this case. I will not post here my waist size for all to see, I will simply say that it is not 29, it is above 29, I will not say by how much, but this is the truth.

Then as my friend was trying on her clothes, I asked the salesgirl, what is the largest size for men?

The answer: 36.

I am less than 36.

Shoes? Don’t even try to buy a women’s size larger than the US 8. I’m a US 10.5, Euro 41.5. I can’t buy women’s shoes in Taiwan.

But I can buy men’s shoes. Those go into the 40’s.

This jacket I’m wearing in this photo? It’s intended for a man.

Taiwan is forcing me to become a cross-dresser.Not a shrimper though. The shrimp has nothing to do with this.

Mini-food Elevators

Sat, 19 Mar 2011 12:00:08 +0800

I am not exactly sure what KTV stands for. I think it is Kareoke+Television. It could also stand for AWESOME.

Kareoke in America, and I think many other countries, means a smoky bar and a lot of humiliation occasionally punctuated by a talented person who can sing very well.

Kareoke in Taiwan, and I believe Japan as well as Korea, means renting a private room for 2 hours, and the fee generally includes food and drink. These private rooms are nice, I mean, unless you chose a shitty place, and did I mention private?

I felt like I had stepped into the Ritz when we arrived at the KTV house. It was, to put it simply, boss. White marble floor, high ceilings, chandeliers, a beautiful array of food, sound-proofed rooms with large, flat screen TVs and leather couches. Also, listen to this: a private bathroom.

The food? Very good. All kinds of yummies, ranging from Dim Sum, roasted duck, noodles, fruit… you name it they gots it. And how do you bring your food to your room? You give it to some nice men (after using your friendly meal tickets to purchase your foods) who then give you a number and then the nice men put your food trays in DUMBWAITERS which are sent up to the same floor of your private singing room equipped with a private bathroom.

MINI FOOD ELEVATORS.

Height of civilization.

Pinnacle, mounted.

Too Sweet

Sat, 19 Mar 2011 00:55:00 +0800

In March sun shines and raindrops sprinkle,

freckling the pavement grey and black,

falling softly on my lips like spare, gentle kisses.

I am too warm in my winter coat but,

tricked by the cloudless sky, I have no umbrella.

In March mosquitoes are reborn, and so my flesh.

A row of red bumps.

You learn many lessons on an island,

such as: don’t fall asleep after eating pineapples.

The juice, so sweet, seeps into your skin.

When you awake, your hands are angry red,

a thousand tiny bites swelling.

“I’m never bitten anymore.

They love the foreign blood here,”

a Taiwanese girl once told me.

"Make an effort to back to there when I am someone."

Fri, 25 Feb 2011 18:25:51 +0800

“Make an effort to back to there when I am someone.”

- Taiwanese High School Student

A true story. Autobiographical toon.

Fri, 28 Jan 2011 00:07:55 +0800

A true story. Autobiographical toon.

This is what a bunch of loser receipts look like. In Taiwan...

Wed, 01 Dec 2010 00:56:56 +0800

This is what a bunch of loser receipts look like.

In Taiwan there is a lotto game, all receipts you get from stores have numbers. You get varying prizes depending on how many numbers you match.

Picking boogers means love

Sun, 28 Nov 2010 22:13:00 +0800

I have noticed something.

I have noticed that in Taiwan…or, at least Taipei, the way that couples display affection in public is through grooming.

I don’t just mean brushing away the flyaway strands of hair from your beloved’s face.

I mean real, serious, grooming.

I have yet to see anyone making out on the metro, but I have seen plenty of couples picking eachother’s noses, popping zits, pulling hairs…

Not old people from another time when this was more acceptable (was there ever such a time?). Young people. Couples younger than me, older than me… people in love.

Where do you put the body?

Fri, 12 Nov 2010 00:18:41 +0800

There are a lot of freedoms we enjoy in America.

Freedom of press, freedom to be really fat, blah blah… I’m not talking about those constitutional liberties.

Today I’m going to tell you something about America you probably didn’t know.

WE CAN THROW AWAY WHATEVER THE HELL WE WANT! EVEN OTHER PEOPLE!

What I mean is that, there are very few places in America where the proper disposing of wastes is enforced.

In France, recycling is pretty much a law—my host family’s apartment complex was fined by the government for not properly sorting recyclables. People still piss on the street, but whatever.

In Taiwan, it goes much further. You need to sort your waste, not only between recyclable and non-recyclable, but also between biodegradable waste and non-biodegradable. Or, in other words, there is a special trash bin for food wastes and non-food wastes.

I learned this the hard way. To make a kind of disgusting story very short; basically I threw away my trash in a compost bin and then my apartment building’s security guard scolded me and forced me to pick out the non-foods…

Which really makes me wonder, how do murderers hide bodies in Taipei?

I mean, people whose apartment’s don’t have a trash pick-up service have to bring their garbage outside as the truck goes by and hand it to the garbage collectors personally. You also have to sort your trash so precisely. Other people constantly monitor your trash… There aren’t any big dumpsters in dark alleyways like in America.

I wonder if Taipei’s murder rate is exceptionally lower… I mean, maybe this whole strict garbage system really prevents a lot of homicides.

SCOOTER SCOOTER

Sun, 10 Oct 2010 21:08:44 +0800

TODAY I RODE A SCOOTER FOR THE FIRST TIME!

I think that to truly call yourself Taiwanese you need to ride a scooter. Taiwanese call them motorcycles, literally “mo-tow-che” but we in the states would say scooter, and I believe in England they’d say moped, and perhaps vespa in other parts of Europe…but I digress. The point is, today I rode one.

AND I WAS SCARED.

Motorcycles, or scooters, remind one that moving at 40 miles per hour or more is actually not something humans were made to do.

What I mean is that when rushing past a bus on a tiny scooter with nothing between your left arm and a wheel whose diameter is half the length of your body, you realize that all motor vehicles are suicidal inventions.

But while I sat uncomfortably perched on the scooter, one hand on my driver’s shoulder and trying not to squeeze his shoulder blade into powdery bone dust, and the other hand was gripping the back rail with white-knuckle force, I was grinning like a maniac because it was so fun.

Going up a winding mountain trail is scary (mostly because you’re certain that gravity is gonna pull your ass right off the back of that moped) but going down is much more terrifying because you’re moving with gravity who is like “YEAH YOU WANT SOME MORE OF THIS???? DO YA???” and your little scooter is that “YEAH I DO LET’S GOOOOOOO!!!”

Oh, and we were also pulled over by the police.

Coffee Woes To be fair, not all coffee in Taiwan is uniformly...

Thu, 07 Oct 2010 16:39:00 +0800

Coffee Woes

To be fair, not all coffee in Taiwan is uniformly bad. But it’s very easy to buy an overpriced, watery, milky sweet thing that is trying to pretend to be the genuine article.

How I Stay In Touch with American Culture

Wed, 06 Oct 2010 22:08:48 +0800

Do you know what I love most about this picture? Aside from the fact that Tracy and Olivia look like drag queens? The random woman in the back who, apparently, actually works while these two just try to tear each other’s extensions out.

“I thought I would wear red lipstick before I ever saw Gayle at the club. And let me tell you, I would never wear red lipstick because it washes out my tan.” -Olivia